i have to let go of the few little binds that we had.

you spit that four lettered lie at me out of your crooked lips
but i take it as a grain of salt
and while i mutter the word back
my heart screams no
look where this has gotten us

abiding by our strict morals of immorality
we will forever be held down
by these chains we created
standing together is a cliche now
because that would only make us weaker

so back to us
and this dark, lustfilled room
we both are avoiding the question
where do we draw the line
this feeling is to old

you say you want to feel at home
well home is where your fucking heart is
and transplants have been put on hold
time to start digging deeper
and let go of my hand

i can only stand with you for so long
we are only supported by this trash beneath us
times running out before the bottom falls out
and we are sent to our long waited deaths
i cant say im sad

so choose dear lover
will your lies still churn in your eyes
or will you stop evading the truth
and finally take the grip off of my wrist
and let my weary soul free

spencer bolick.

carl spencer bolick.
he was my best friend. and now he has gone. by his own choosing.
i wrote a poem.

with wings on his back.
tattered and torn
a staggering man
flys up to the sky
a smile on his face
as he finds his peace
that he couldnt find
on an earth with broken people

as he ascends into the light
years of his life shed off of him
and the weight on his shoulders
seems to disappear

left behind is hurt
and lost people
those who don't know why
guilt and sorrow fills empty souls
while an angel watches from above

he whispers in our ears
he stays with those who can not stand alone
peace be with them
as it is with him



i miss my best friend. more than anyone will ever know. and i am hurting alot. but i still feel him in everything i do.
and i loved him with all of my heart, and he still hasn't left me.
and i won't let go of him.
i hope that he finds the peace and tranquility that he spent so long searching for.
i love you spencer...
rip.

A conversation about god between an atheist addict, and a penecostal.

A conversation between an addict, and a penecostal:

Penecostal: Life is to short? No, thats just your excuse, your compensation for the mistakes you have committed. You say you arent fulfilled, well start pouring more in your cup. Stop sucking down the cancer sticks, start opening a new door. You say that life is falling apart, and noone is there for you; sob stories will only get you so far in life girl.
Addict: So take off that mask that you keep putting up, everyone can see right through it. Everyone can see that you are weak, everyone can see that you can't even handle the little tasks given. Stop acting like you are tough, like you can do anything through the almighty god. Stop acting like its okay to blame everything on some higher being. Take off that long skirt, cut that long hair, get your nose out of the bible.
Penecostal: So much for you being the big, bad wolf! You have to have an escape from everything in your life, no matter how big or small. Vodka pours off your breath, and I can see your eyes are glossed over, are you really that pathetic? You want to leave, you want to get out, you want a second chance. Here I am, leading my life by that which is the way of God, and here you are polluting my air, wasting a precious gift of life, you take it for granted. You don't deserve to live.
Addict:Then take it away? Oh wait, is that one of your sins? You think you are superior, and that you can walk around here, throwing backward glances, touching peoples foreheads, like your the messiah yourself! You are nothing! You have no meaning in life, the only thing you are doing is proving the point that God is nonexistent. Because if this an 'intelligent' higher power, why in the hell would he be pointing you in the direction, of what do you call it? Oh 'evangelism'. You are fake. The bible is fake, your whole life, all of your morals are based on a false reality, that now you can't escape from. You wish you were me, you wish that you could actually let go, and think for yourself, but you are so controlled by the god behind the pulpit, you can't see past the front pew. Get out of the church, see the world for what it is! This is a sad place, there is no proof of God's hand here.
Penecostal: I can't understand why God would want me to wish for the best for you! Someone so dark, someone so distant from the truth, there is no use in praying for you. You are truly possessed by demons, only God can handle you now. I can only suggest one thing to you, step up to your potential. Because right now all you are is just some pitiful being cursed to walk the earth, and cursing everyone else who has had to encounter your sorry state of existence.
Addict: Go speak your tongues somewhere else, go confess, go feel guilty about every single little human thing that you have done. It is time for you to step out of Plato's cave, can't you see that those shadows on the wall are only cast from us ourselves? That the fake light of the fire is only causing you to have a dim view on that which you are surrounded by? Break the chains, follow the others and step out of the cave, you can see the true light, the truth. Because right now you and I are both just wandering souls. We both crave something more, but what if we both have it wrong?

Cliche New Years Resolutions

So anyone who knows me well enough, will know how much I despise christmas. However, I love New Years. New Years isn't just some holiday to go out and get obnoxiously drunk and then have a righteous hangover the next day, New Years is a second chance. This whole year we have been learning, taking our experiences, and our mistakes and twisting them into small bits of knowledge. New Years is a chance to take what you have learned and put it to work, I love second chances, lord knows I need alot. So on behalf of being like every other American, here is my list of resolutions for the year of 2009:)

1. To open up more to those who care about me.
2. Make better choices.
3. To get into Appalachian State University:)
4. To graduate (Seniors 09)
5. To have a better sense of self worth.
6. To hang out more with my church family.
7. To not take this life for granted anymore, and think about those who have it worst.
8. To loosen up.
9. To finally get used to the idea of growing up.
10.To live.

Un/expected Hault.

As the lepers take the throne
A silent justice barely rumbles from the ground
The mighty wrath of God is not a threat anymore
Raising Lazarus becomes yet another cliche
Humans used as specimens for the final expirement
Through all of creation it has been lurking
Patiently, and quietly waiting to pounce on its naive prey
Mankind has made its great fall
The inevitable flaw that runs through the human genome
Our lust for power has been stifled
It is no longer survival of the fittest
Now the weak are the strong
And evil becomes righteousness
ALl of humanity has come to a screeching hault
Because of one tiny molecule.
Boom.

(not)Alone in the dark

Do the stars above remind you of me?
Of all the nights we spent lying in the grass
We both wondered how long until it ended
This feeling of discovery, and enlightenment
Finding a state of mind where there were no words
Instead song filled your ears
Lyrics pouring out of your heart like a waterfall
Suddently, our skies turned grey
The rain came, and took you with it
As you washed away, my heart followed
The melodies ceased to flow
The feelings tapered off
I miss the gentle kisses
So angelic, and refreshing
Every embrace constantly kept me fulfilled
But now I am left empty in anothers arms
As the sky fades to dark
Nostalgia takes over
And our stars become lumenescent
Even in the darkest of nights

My eyes stuck on the sky

I have steadily looked to the stars
The same sky you have gazed at
I have slept in the fields
Filled with life and beauty
I have tried to forget you
The memories, how they haunt
I have been held in anothers arms
But I am not fulfilled
I have been surround by others
But I still am left alone
I have drank from the fountain of youth
But inside, I feel dead
I have kissed many lips
And tasted the forbidden fruit
I have fallen for better
But I still long for your comfot
I have gazed at our sky
And I have dreamt of our nights
I have spent my life regretting
But its not over yet