The world is a twisted place. There is good, then bad. Uplifting, and destroying. Walking on this earth, I have seen so many things.
Love, Hate, War, Pain, Joy, and Doubt.
So many times people take life for granted, they 'live life to the fullest'. But when exactly is life full?
When I was driving to the visitation last night, I spotted a homeless man, the typical character. Shaggy-looking, no shoes, what looked to be a hand me down shirt, and shorts with numerous holes. His face not shaven, and his hair grown long and white, speckled with grey. His eyes dull, lifeless, it was a look of hopelessness. I watched the man gaze at the passing cars, almost praying that one would just throw a little bit of change his way. My eyes started to tear up, as I looked on, thinking of how that mans life had gone. I thought about his mother, his childhood, maybe even his own family. I thought about the rich, the ones sitting at home right now, the ones out to dinner with their loved ones. I thought about all these things, then I directed my mind back to the man.
Thank God, that this was one of those annoying lights that took a half an hour for the light to change, otherwise I would have some angry drivers behind me. But that is why driving is one of my favorite things to do, you see humans in there natural vulnerable state.
Finally the light turned green, and I of course sped off, but my heart literally hurt from not helping the old man. All of a sudden, it seemed that everything that had happened lately hit me at once, and I started to cry. I cried about everything, from school, to erins dad, to dead friends, to death period. I thought of every funeral I have ever went to, and how annoyed I was when people said to me "At least he is with God now," in my head I wanted to scream "They aren't with me!"
Humans are naturally selfish. I never want anything to happen to my friends or family, but seeing my best friend go throught one of the most horrific things anyone can go through, I am growing cynical.
Lawrence Berry was an amazing man, everytime I would see Erin, I would talk to her Dad. He was the kindest, sweetest man and this world was blessed to have him. To see him taken away from this world so young, just makes me doubt everything I once fully believed.
Tying my thoughts back to the homeless man, I thought of what he has done great. Did he have a family too? Why is he standing on the corner when there are so many corrupt people in this world getting whatever their heart desires.
I would kill to find my faith again, but lately I just can't concentrate on the good in life anymore.
How do I live life to the fullest, if it can never be full?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
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